sigh. been living in this kind of life recently. what's a girl supposed to do man. what? i reali am out of ideas here. on one hand, i'm trying to live my life as per normal, on the other, i still long for the times where i had Ken by my side. i guess this is what edith calls "being in love with the feeling of being in love" ba. sighs. this is reali maddedning. i guess i got to start looking for a job soon.
some more, the driving thing has been nagging at me. everytime i start thinking about my test, i sill get jittery. ish. i dun wanna fail again. i got so many people to face man. especially after the Ken saga, i don't want to fail this stupid test already. i'm getting very irritated with my life. look at it this way, everytime i go out, i need to spend money, but everytime i stay home, i'll feel like a useless bum. how?
i'm gonna go mad soon. i think it's a depression problem thingy. think my life is getting from bad to worse. but i do agree that it can get worse than this.. ugh. why? why do i always not think of the consequences before i fall in love? every time i fall out of love, i swear that i'll not do the same things as i did before, but it's like deja vu all over again, just with a different person now. not exactly a very smart thing to do, but ya.. search me.
i miss my students. i miss teaching them. i miss their naive-ness. i miss them taking up most of my energy. but maybe, during that time, i had Ken as my bf, and we were both very very content and very much in love with each other. but now? so far away from that.
i cried. i cried long and hard today. when i played my piano, and think about the songs he used to sing to me, or hum. geez. i'm so affected by everything that we did. why doesn't he feel the same man? why? what in the world is wrong with the both of us?
God.. please tell me what lesson do you want me to learn out of this. perhaps after revealing it to me, my life would seem more meaningful or easier?
hmm. while i was typing this, a thought just struck me. i went for dialect service last sunday, and although the speaker was speaking in hokkien and cantonese, i did understand his sermon. his message was joy in the midst of suffering. he wa saying that God didn't promise us a life of no suffering, but rather, a life full of trials. but the thing is, after our faith has been tested and tried, are we still His? do we still belong to God?
does God still care? does He still want me? i'm tired. i want him to hit me with his best shot, get it over and done with, and then let me continue with my miserable life. i'm tired of trying to fall asleep every night. tired of thinking of Ken all the time. tired of attempting to pray to God every night but yet, still have no answer or anything. how? i feel like i'm living double lives. on one hand, its the happy, bubbly girl (or now, its sort of died down. i don't have the energy anymore), versus the depressed little girl who constantly is angry with the world and has major mood swings.
i'm tired. TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!