.Thursday, June 5, 2008 ' 11:41 PM Y
blogged
well, i just
dumped my brownie batter into the oven.not bad. smells quite good. lol. if i say so myself.
every morning, i wake up to a dream about ken. reali. he doesn't seem to leave me.
then it
feels like crap coz then you realise that
you've only been dreaming,and the reality is that he's not my bf anymore.
kinda sucks, that reality.
you feel empty, hollow.and u wanna cry all over again. personally, i think its even worse than dreaming about you've won $10,000,000
and waking up to find that its all just a dream.
coz at least, you know that in your life,
that could only be a dream.
but ken, he was so real.
i had him before.and not too long ago too.
sigh.
have been thinking alot the past few days.
actually, lesser than usual, coz of my energy draining, but relative to other people,
i guess its alot ba.
his family upbringing, versus mine.he wouldn't change for anything,
neither would i.
but we're soooo different.
then how?
compromise?i also dunno la.
mmmm. the brownie smells so yummy.
but i can't eat that.
the calories.
i know, coz i baked it.i was just thinking,
brownies, top it up with ice cream.
heaven. bliss.ben ben would love that i think.
haha.
dith too. she loves chocolate stuf.
see. last time
i used to bake for him too.but i felt he never did appreciate it.he ate it in chunks.
and he didn't savour anything.
its as though its just any other kind of food that is meant to be eaten.
not baked lovingly by his gf,a person tt he knows personally.
same with all the foods that i cook for him.
i
NEVER cook.
ask my mum and she'll tell you tt before i knew ken,
i rarely stepped into the kitchen.i couldn't tell the diff between small fire and big fire.
ha! and hence,
all the burnt stuff.
my sis always had to fry an egg for me.
coz i didn't know how to.
and i still don't.
thing is, i tried to be better for him.
but he didn't see it, did he?
he said
thank you when i asked him to.
and that's about the best i can
extract out of him.like its just any other normal thing.
oh well. that's all in the past now i think.
past.
now?
present.
future?
blank.
taking one step at a time.
gotta lean how to stand up first,before i can finally walk.i guess i kept on thinking tt he's gonna be the one.
so i just depended on him, without anything to fall back on.
prob is, now tt he's gone.
i need to learn how to walk again,
by myself.painful thing, that is.decisions that have got to be made
on my own, on top of many other problems.
like i say, "someday never really comes.."
gotta take your own actions to make sure
u survive.getting over a heartbreak, 101.
