.Sunday, June 15, 2008 ' 10:07 AM Y
blogged
i am
disinterested in everything i do.
my dad thinks that i'm way too upset over this.
i think that i'm
going mad.
i never remember what i intended to blog about.
but it always revolves round sadness and insanity.
its damn pain going through this, ken.
damn pain.but what am i to do?
i'm not the controller in this relationship.
i'm afraid to go to sleep in the afternoon because
if i do so,
i'm scared that i cannot fall asleep at night.
i'm trying to keep myself awake
during the day,
coz i always don't have a good night's rest.
but yet, i can't slp in the afternoon.
and do you know how terrible that feeling is?
i'm doing all i can,
to make sure i'm so tired,
during the day,
to ensure,
that i lie flat and actually
sleep,
every night.
even so,
sometimes,
i still can't sleep.
i'm a wreck, a zombie.
if u care.
the things that i love to do the most.
like reading and sleeping?
has become a chore.
a scary thing that i wanna avoid,
at all cost.
i'm too tired to even,
think.
ask my family.
they'll tell you.
i don't even argue anymore.
what's the point?
i have to constantly psycho myself,
tell myself that you're not worth,
my tears,
me getting upset,
my everything.
u know why?
coz if i just go with my feelings,
i'll just want to go and beg
beg you to be my bf.
but i have got more
dignity than that.
painful.
but i still have dignity.
i guess.to go out.
means to re-live all the memories
all the times we shared.
so dumb.
you don't care one single bit, do you?
you wanna know signs of being delusional?
i was feeling like crap,
the past few days.
today was the ultimate.
i had to be involved in games day.
acted like everything's fine.
but deep down,
i'm still very much affected by
what you're doing to me.
then i got a call from an
unknown number at 4:15pm.
ur home number was private.
the person on the other line
didn't say anything.
i thought it was you.
and u know what?
i was happier.
i was happier than i was in days.
funny thing?
for all u know,
it was a stranger with a private line,
calling on the wrong number.
and u know what also?
i refused to hang up.
coz i kept hoping it was you.
i held on by saying
"hello"
for a full 28 seconds.
for fear that i would be hanging up
on you.
that's how much i love,and miss you.after all that you've done to me.
i'm sorry to say that i still feel,
the way i do.
from day one,
to the day we broke up.
my heart raced everytime
i saw ur number on my hp id.
i made extra effort to dress up
if i was going out with you
though i always act surprised
when u complimented me.
i make an effort,
to like every single gift you gave me.
even if it wasn't what i reali wanted.
i still have the roses u gave me for our
4th month anniversary.
all dried and withered.
but i still have them.
its so pain,
to re-live this.
day by day,
hour by hour,
min by min,
sec by sec.
______
thanks to josel, lynnest and charis.
i reali had fun today at Swensen's.
thanks for the words,
of comfort.
enjoyed your company,
and i always will.
loves.
