.Sunday, June 22, 2008 ' 5:09 AM Y
blogged
ken and i are sorta together again.i think. but i can't help thinking also that
i'm just not cut out to be in a relationship. the guy of my dreams is non-existent. its not about high expectations, but rather, about this super unique individual that i need.
i need someone who can give me their all. full 100%. and i know myself.
i'm the super possesive and easily jealous type. so i reali reali need a very patient guy. i'm not those kind of girl who is very confident about herself. i
constantly need someone to encourage me. its very tiring for that someone, but that's what i need.
this whole relationship thing is so messy. i'm very lost. that's why i try so hard with ken. its like, after him, i totally see no point in trying.
"its not his fault, its mine." cliched, but true in my case. i'm just too unique a person to find someone to complement me. at the end of the day, the other party will just feel like their gf is a very trying girl,
who demands too much and has very high expectations.but i'm not. i just know myself only. but not any guy is
willing to sacrifice whatever comfort they have and actually change for me. at least, none i have met yet. ken is halfway there.
u know, ken is scared of making me mad, that's why he just agrees with whatever i say. and i do the same. i'm scared of making him mad, so i just say ok, even though i don't reali agree. in the end, we just end up both so bitter.
people, i reali dunno the status of my relationship. i wanna say that i'm attached, but then i'm scared of reali getting into the relationship again. so how? if i define this as a relationship, i'll put in alot more. i know its kinda unfair to ken, but i dunno how also. so am i attached or not? i dunno. i want to give it another shot, but everything seems so..
uncertain now. he can't make any promises, and i understand. but in the meantime, what do u expect me to do?
even if i take a risk again, common sense tells me that i need to make a calculated risk. i know he promised not to ever leave again, but i still can't get
security from him. when i'm with him, i feel as if he reali loves me, and that nothing matters more. but everytime he's not by my side, i go berserk. in the sense that, he won't auto contact me or anything. maybe i'm being paranoid, but everything is relative, right? for all u know, u can say that he can't be bothered with me after he's done meeting me.
people always say i think too much. problem is, no one can ever give me a satisfactory answer to solve any of my thinkings. so in the end,
it all starts to pile up. and memories that are created in me, are perpetually there. that makes it hard to create more space in my brain. that's why i think i'm getting stupid-er. dunno if that's possible or not. perhaps its just an excuse.
i reali think i should go into a
mental hospital or smth. IMH. see chong hock there perhaps. lol.
huiling ar huiling. what more you want? you already have ken by your side. when u don't have him, u go mad, when u have him, u also go mad.
moral of the story? GUYS.
you can't live with them, you can't live without them. :)
