.Thursday, July 24, 2008 ' 10:23 PM Y
blogged
back at one again.this thing seems
never seems to end. guess i've no one else to blame but myself for putting myself into this situation.
but the thing that is shared between ken and i,
i guess no one else would or reali ever can understand. only God can. it's so, unique. its stupidity to believe or to keep holding on to the hope that a guy will come back to you even after all that has happened, but i still believe so. and i think ken does too,
although everything else seems otherwise. i cannot really explain it myself. but its like we're gonna keep trying till one day in the end, we'll get it, or we'll die trying in the process. we just gotta keep the faith...
its true the hurt is sometimes there and everything else seems pointless, but the happiness that i share with him, far overides the bad things. and he isn't as bad as i make him up to be. its not that i'm trying to defend him or anything, but its more like,
i do know how he thinks, but i just cannot come to terms with it.but i gotta admit, i'm losing it. everytime he goes, i dream about him until he calls me. as in, i dream about him every night. but if he calls me, den i can sleep peacefully. and no, its not a preset mindset that causes me to be like this. it just happens. don't ask me why. not that i intentionally want to dream about him.
when he's not there, the boundless energy that i have within me seems to have vanished into thin air.
everything seems to take lots more effort and all i wanna do is nothing. i don't even have the strength to eat anymore. maybe i was too dependent on him, but like they say, you never know what you've got until you lose it. no? i know this is a vicious cycle, and i've got to do something about it, but its like, i got
no more drive to do anything. i keep telling myself that my strength comes from the Lord but that onli gets me through a portion of the day. though i think without the Lord, i would not be here typing now. i'd be lying on the bed and letting the world pass me by.
i'm
tired of talking to people already. think i'm just gonna stick to everyday subjects from now. there's no need to go in depth.
perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....
