i've been thinking about you alot recently. alot. perhaps it's stress, perhaps it's lonliness, perhaps.. it's just that i reali miss you. i'm half-dead now. i went through our past pictures, in particular, the botanic gardens one. i can't believe that that was not too long ago. what made me do that u ask? i was taking a cab home just now, and the last time i remember taking a cab was with you. perhaps that is the only cab memory that will be etched in my mind. i associate you with too many things, way too many. we used to break my curfew so we had to end up cabbing back. and u always made sure i was home safe first.

people reading my blog, pls don't be irritated with me or judge me. i swear you'll never know what i'm going through now. the pain is reali.... intense. i also wish that i can get rid of it. God knows how much. but i can't. i'm trying! heck, i'm in fact just trying to ignore this cold, hard fact. work myself super hard, keep myself occupied, keep myself busy.. but even in such a foolproof plan, there are loopholes, because, because i still end up thinking of you, no matter how i am. tired, half-sober, stressed, anything....

my thoughts are all so jumbled that i cannot think clearly. i feel so frustrated now, with things that are happening around me, and it will never seem so when i have people around me. no matter how hard the going gets, i'll still do it when i know i have people supporting me. but when i reach home.. i'm like in a totally different world. the reality of everything starts to sink in. does anyone get me at all? i'm not schizo.. i swear.

living everyday is reali a scary thing for me. i'm apprehensive about every night that comes. if i don't reali feel very very hurt and start crying like i did today, den it would considered an "alright" day. if not, like nights like this? i'd rather die i think.

how and why questions keep filling my mind. even if you don't care, deep inside my heart, i keep hoping that you do. i never gave up hope on you, never. even if the whole world says that i'm putting my hope in the wrong person, i'd still fight for you. heart, mind, soul, anything and everything. deep down, i'm still hoping that you'd prove everyone wrong. i'm trying reali hard to let go. you know how hard?

imagine me holding/clinging onto something so hard that my knuckles are white because my fists are so clenched. and in order for me to give up this something, i'm literally using all my strength to pry my fist open. (it was a game we used to play). i want so badly to open this fist that i'm using knives, blades,anything sharp to actually try and pry open these fingers and i'm bleeding so badly in the process that i duno where the wound is. it just feels pain everywhere. get the image? i'm not trying to be morbid here. but this is how hard..

josel asked me how come my take on relationships has changed. initially, i thought i saw the light and God reali spoke to me. ha! wake up la huiling. you're still the same loser. i just realised, just, that maybe at the end of the day, i'm not actively looking for any partner just because somewhere in my mis-mash of feelings, i'm still hoping that he'll return, someday, somehow. did i reali think i escaped everything? i still love you i guess. truly, madly, deeply.

at the end of this entry, i cried so hard that my eyes are swollen from crying while writing this entire post, and my heart is pain. literally. can anyone understand? i thought you did. thought.

one of my favourite photos. i reali loved you, and i still do. to ken's current/future gf, if u chance across this, it's not meant to spite you, neither is it meant to jeopardize your relationship in any way. i just reali miss him, that's all. i hope you understand. all the best to the both of you and i wish you well...

_________

Mandy Moore

Cry

I'll always remember

It was late afternoon

It lasted forever

And ended too soon

You were all by yourself

Staring up at a dark gray sky

I was changed

In places no one would find

All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)

It was then that I realized

That forever was in your eyes

The moment I saw you cry

The moment that I saw you cry

It was late in september

And I've seen you before (and you were)

You were always the cold one

But i was never that sure

You were all by yourself

Staring at a dark gray sky

I was changed

In places no one would find

All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)

It was then that I realized

That forever was in your eyes

The moment I saw you cry

I wanted to hold you

i wanted to make it go away

I wanted to know you

I wanted to make your everything, all right....

I'll always remember...

It was late afternoon...

In places no one would find...

In places no one would find

All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)

It was then that I realized

That forever was in your eyes

The moment I saw you cry