.Wednesday, October 22, 2008 ' 5:02 AM Y
blogged
i wa reminded just now that things/issues that are not settled soon would eventually be irrepearable. perhaps that is why God asks us not to be angry when the sun goes down on us. sigh. thinking back, i think whatever happened between the both of us is really irrepearable. it's been too long already. perhaps that's why all along i wanted to settle arguments on the spot.
i used to think that once i cried everything out, the chances of me crying again would be lesser. but i guess i was wrong. night after night, day after day, anyplace, anytime i can just break down. everything reminds me of you. today, just looking at guys carrying badminton rackets and badminton bags reminded me so badly of you. looking at the spagetti that people were eating that was airing on TVmobile was the final straw. i couldn't stop the tears from running down my cheeks. we used to eat at pastamania, i cooked spagetti for you once, knowing full well that i hate cooking. how can you be so cold towards everything? doesn't anything remind you of us at all? are u able to be so oblivious and callous to everything? can u just brush away everything..
but then again, what could you have done? i would have liked you to call, to text, anything, but would it change anything at all? knowing the rational you, you just wouldn't do stupid things like that huh. what do i want from you? that was a question that was constantly brought up during the final stages of our relationship. and i still think back of that question. ultimately, my answer is that, i want you. that's all. but u never seemed to understand that.
trying to re-order my life, re-define stuff, is hard. and i dunno why, but its getting harder by the day. my gosh, everyday is like, "thank God i've been thru this hell of a day." and my prayer in the morning? please help me get through this day. ya, i know the song.. 'new, every morning is new, the love of God to me is wonderfully new..' but try telling urself that when you're in my shoes. its reali hard.
but in singapore, it's a place where there is no time to mope and cry and just allow urself time to heal. tests still come in, commitments still come, essays still have to written, grades still have to be earned.. i'm so tired and bogged down by everything. i have no qualms about giving all my time up to anything and everything, but the thing is tt, recently i'm just so drained.
ppl around me, pls dun try and tell me "i can help me by....." it's ok. i don't want to be shown sympathy nor do i want to be known as weak. i'll just be tougher, or act that way. i can't tell the difference any longer. i just want to do everything like a normal person and just hopefully, emerge stronger at the end of the day. let's try not to make things awkward by you attempting to 'lighten' my load, though i thank you in advance.
furthermore, i've learnt to keep awkward issues to myself. no use talking to people about it also. it'll just merely put them in a spot. n i always hope that something good will come out of it. tried telling people how i feel but what can they do? so i'm giving up. don't ask, and i shan't tell and things won't be that awkward. let's just keep that status quo. period.
"Her life was split. Both day and night were competing for her."______
looking at 4 year old bianca singing on America's Got Talent reminded me that i once had big dreams too. but girl, you'll learn one day that the world is not as fine as dandy as the songs you sing my dear girl. humanity wouldn't be that kind to you. but that would be a lesson that you'll learn when you're a little older. right now, continue living your dream, and i'll be rooting for you sweet girl...
